i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
