I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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