hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
