Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
