My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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