My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Blood and glitter go together right?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
