You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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