Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
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well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize