Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
