Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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