Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
