Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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