My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
