Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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