We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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