Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
