no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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