I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
