My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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