the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
