I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You ate ashes out of my bong
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
