Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
3pm strippers are depressing
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
