I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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