omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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