u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
