just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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