These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
