Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
