Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
