I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
