So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
