a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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