So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
