Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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