guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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