That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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