There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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