My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
