seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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