it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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