It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
