So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
