what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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