Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize