I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
