So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
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Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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