Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
