its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
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The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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