When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
