two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
