I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
no you cant smoke seaweed
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
