Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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