I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
