there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
