At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
