There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
