That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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