I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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