Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
