I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
