There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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