i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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