i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
